Donkey Kong: Rise of the Blast-O-Matic
by Local Minstrel
Summary: K. Rool's back and he's got a secret weapon to destroy the Kongs for good! It's up to our band of simian heroes to stop this crazy croc and his diabolical machine, but this time it'll take more than brute strength to thwart him. A healthy dose of smarts, agility and girl power should do the trick.
1. A Krool Kidnapping

**Chapter 1: A Krool Kidnapping**

Somewhere in the middle of a tropical blue ocean lies an island in the shape of a massive head with a stylish cowlick. This is DK Island, home to a medley of fascinating and exotic animals like macaws and seals, but most particularly, the Kongs. The Kongs are a laid back species who enjoy the simple things in life. Peace, quiet, and a good supply of bananas were all the Kongs really needed.

But someone didn't like them very much.

Somewhere else on the tropical blue ocean was Crocodile Isle, a mechanical tower shaped like a Kremling, with a long snout filled with teeth, its body riddled with portholes and hatches and adorned with gangways and rails. Behind it, it tugged a vessel about half its size like a ball-shaped pet on a leash.

Crewing this metal monstrosity were the Kremlings themselves - scaly, reptilian things who came in a wide array of colors and sizes but also in a rather limited spectrum of intelligence. There were some in the engine room playing checkers, some in the navigation room rolling dice, and one on the lookout taking a nap.

In the control room was the leader of the Kremlings, K. Rool. He was the biggest, the meanest and by default the cleverest of the crew. As such, he did as he pleased, bossing the smaller Kremlings around and giving himself important titles depending on the mood he was in. Sometimes he was Captain and sometimes he was Baron. Today he was King.

King K. Rool sat in a throne overlooking a wall of monitors depicting the area outside the mechanical island. On the screens, a tiny brown dot appeared and gradually grew larger until he could discern the cowlick of DK Island.

Stroking his pet Klaptrap, he growled in a low, menacing voice, "There it is… at last, sweet vengeance is mine… one push of a button and those mangy Kongs and their precious little island goes up in a puff of smoke… a little closer and…"

Alarms blared to life inside the mechanical monster, red lights blinking urgently. King K. Rool swiveled his head and then pressed a button on the throne. "What's going on?" he barked into the speaker.

In a tinny voice, the chief engineer explained, "We're coming in too fast, Cap - er, Your Highness, sir. At the rate we're going, we'll run aground the island and we'll be too close to the target to fire the Blast-O-Matic safely."

"Then put this ship in full reverse!" roared King K. Rool. "Stop the ship!"

"Aye, aye, sir," responded the chief and the speaker clicked off.

Suddenly, everything on the ship went flying forward as the engines went into full reverse. King K. Rool flopped onto his round belly while his Klaptrap flew into the air, squealing like a stuck pig - or a flying pig in this case. A second later the ship was rocked again with an incredibly loud gong that vibrated through the metal, rattling rivets and bolts in their sockets as well as the teeth in King K. Rool's jaw.

"What happened?" he roared, hitting his fist against the floor in rage. He struggled to his feet and then stomped over to the throne and slapped the intercom button. "What happened?" he repeated.

"Uh, the island brig crashed into the Croc when he threw the reverse switch, sir," stammered the chief navigator. "We've sustained heavy damage to the ship, including the engines, Your Royal Highness, sir."

"It looks like we're in position to blast the island, anyway," said King K. Rool, looking over the monitors. "As long as the Blast-O-Matic is working, I don't care how bad the ship is. We can repair it later."

"Well, uh, sir, I have some… bad news." The chief's gulp was audible through the speaker. "The Blast-O-Matic's been… damaged… pretty badly…"

"NO!" King K. Rool smashed his fist against the throne. "I want it repaired immediately! Bring up Snide from the brig. Tell him to fix it or I'll have K. Lumsy eat him!"

"Right away, King K. Rool," said the chief navigator.

King K. Rool plopped himself into the throne to wait. His pet Klaptrap waddled over, whining morosely. He picked it up and stroked it, humming irritably to himself. His plan was perfect! Foolproof! It was just his luck that he had the fools who could _un_ proof it!

The minutes ticked by and King K. Rool was getting impatient. He was just about to press the button to yell at someone when the intercom clicked and a hesitant voice came on. "Um… sir?"

"Did you bring up Snide?"

"Ah, well, sir… you see… the thing of it is… Snide is… well he's…"

King K. Rool's left eye bulged and he smashed his fist on the throne. "WHERE IS HE?"

"He's escaped, sir!" the chief navigator squeaked. "You see when I got to the brig, the cage door was smashed open. Must have happened when it crashed into the Croc, Your Eminence." He added brightly, "But K. Lumsy's still in his cage, so it's not all bad… right?"

King K. Rool's rage was terrible to behold. Things went flying, walls were smashed, some very unflattering words were spoken about the chief navigator's mother. When he had exhausted himself, he returned to the throne, ground in the intercom button and roared, "I want him found! If he warns the Kongs about our plan they're going to come running and ruin everything!"

"I'll send every Kremling I find, sir," assured his underling.

"That's not enough! I need Kremlings to delay Donkey Kong any way they can. Tear up his island, steal his precious bananas, kidnap a few of his stupid, little friends if you have to! And fix the machine! I want it fully repaired before that brainless ape even has time to scratch his oversized head! GET ON IT!"

"Right away, sir!" yelped the chief navigator and the line clicked off.

…

"Hey, Lanky, wait up!" called Tiny Kong. As you would expect from her name, she was the smallest of the Kongs, who wore daisy print overalls and a beanie over her pigtails. Diddy Kong, a chimpanzee who wore a red cap and shirt and was just a little bigger than she was, swung behind her.

"Can't," said Lanky as he used his long arms to grasp branches and vines. "Something happened and we need to find out what it was. It could be gone by the time we get there."

"Come on, Lanky," cajoled Tiny. "It was probably nothing! Just Funky's airplane misfiring or something."

"Pretty loud misfire," Diddy commented.

"I hope you're right," said Lanky, though the way he was swinging he did not bet one coconut on it.

Thirty seconds later, he arrived at the shores of DK Island. Two seconds behind him, Tiny and Diddy skidded to a stop beside him. And five seconds later they all gulped together.

It definitely wasn't Funky's airplane sitting on the water five miles offshore. In fact, there was no mistaking that ugly scowl on his metal snout. Obviously the craft was designed to be intimidating and conspicuous - a show of superiority - though it showed more that he was compensating for something. Regardless, one thing was clear: K. Rool was back.

"We'd better warn the others," Lanky said.

"Good idea," Diddy agreed.

Tiny hopped. "Now, wait a minute, guys. Before we go running back, how about we go over there and check things out?"

Lanky scratched his head uncertainly. "I don't know. Looks kind of dangerous on that thing. It's going to be crawling with Kremlings."

"Aw, come on, we can take care of 'em, no problem. They're all just a bunch of dimwits."

Diddy shook his head. "Don't underestimate them, Tiny. They may not be very smart but they did manage to kidnap Donkey once before."

Tiny snorted. "They got lucky. Anyways, all I'm saying is we should sneak over there and find out what they're up to. Then we can go back and tell the others."

It took some doing but in the end Tiny's irresistible charm won them over, or as Diddy put it, "We better tag along and make sure she doesn't run into trouble."

"That's like sticking your hand in a Zingers' nest and praying you don't get stung," Lanky groaned, placing a hand on his head.

The three of them swam over to the giant metal croc. Climbing onto the craft was the easy part. Finding a way inside was the slightly trickier part. And navigating the twisted maze inside was the most frustrating part. As they peeked down branching hallways to find out where they were going, Diddy piped up, "Whose bright idea was this again?"

"Trust me, guys," Tiny reassured them, "We'll find them and then we'll find out what they're up to. Then we can whup their scaly tails!"

Sooner than she predicted they got their chance, for a krew of Kremlings just rounded the corner and spotted them. They raised up a ruckus, "The Kongs! The Kongs are here! Stop them! Stop them!" and then charged down the hallway to capture them. The Kongs fought valiantly but sheer numbers overpowered them and they were soon being frogmarched away. One of them chuckled excitedly, "Wait 'til Baron K. Rool…"

"It's King! King K. Rool, you dope!"

"Er, yeah, wait 'til his Highness sees we've captured the Kongs! He'll be so impressed with us!"

They took an elevator to K. Rool's quarters, a jolly little tune playing on the way up. Minutes later, they entered his quarters. When they did, he swiveled toward them, his left eye bulging dangerously.

"This had better be good!" he snarled.

The lead Kremling gulped and then bobbed his head eagerly, "Oh yes, Sire. You see, Your Excellency, we caught these intruders inside the Croc." He gestured to the Kongs, each being held by two Kremlings. Tiny stuck out her tongue at K. Rool.

He eyed the three of them suspiciously. Then he said, "What about Donkey? Where is he?"

"Oh! He's uh… er…" The lead Kremling turned to the Kongs and counted them. Then he counted them again. Finally, with a gulp, he turned back to K. Rool and stammered, "He, uh, isn't here, Your Majesty. Probably… still on the island…"

K. Rool jumped to his feet, towering over the group menacingly and causing them all to tremble. Their knees knocked together like castanets. The goliath of a Kremling growled at them, "For your sake, he'd better be."

Tiny piped up, "Yeah, that's right, K. Rool! You'd better be scared! Because once Donkey finds out you're here, he's going to wipe the floor with you!"

K. Rool roared angrily and then swept his hand through the air. "Take them away! Separate them as far apart as you can! I don't want to make their rescue too easy for that simple-minded fleabag!"

Diddy grumbled, "Thanks a lot, Tiny."


	2. Nasty News

**Chapter 2: Nasty News**

Back on DK Island, in the heart of the jungle, there was a house in the shape of a barrel. As if that wasn't bizarre enough, this house was outfitted with such add-ons as sparking antennas and a chimney - the kind of toys a mad scientist might have lying around in his lab… the sparking antennas, that is. And the mad scientist who lived here was none other than Cranky Kong, the eldest, wisest, and, of course, the most cantankerous, old primate to grow a beard to the ground. Truth be told, mad science was a hobby he had picked up only recently when he had grown bored of his other hobbies: playing video games, napping, and whacking people with his cane. Fortunately for him he had everything at hand for this latest venture, including spare parts taken from K. Rool's mechanical creation, KAOS, suspicious ingredients, and a willing but clueless assistant named Chunky Kong.

At the moment, however, he was doing without his willing but clueless assistant. He had sent Chunky Kong into the jungle to collect some pollen and he hadn't returned yet. It was long past time for him, according to Cranky's old bones, and it was starting to worry him. After all, if he didn't get that pollen soon, his concoction would set and it would become useless.

"Where is that brainless oaf?" Cranky grumbled. He turned to Squawks the Parrot who was perched on the windowsill and said, "See if you can find him. Hopefully he hasn't gotten himself lost again."

"SQUAWK!" Squawks answered and then turned and leaped out the window.

Cranky eased his weary old bones into his rocking chair to wait for Squawks to return. After a while, he eased his stiff hindquarters out of the rocking chair to hobble about the room while he waited. Some time after that he ventured outside for a bit of fresh air while he waited for Squawks to return with Chunky.

It was finally after an interminable amount of time in which Cranky discovered cold fusion, invented a cure for the common cold, and beat his own high score in "Donkey Kong" (the original) that Squawks returned, and he was in quite a state.

"SQUAWK! It's terrible, Cranky! Terrible news! BRAWK! Chunky's been ape-napped!"

"He's been _what_!" Cranky slammed his cane on the ground. "What kind of buffoon would go and get himself kidnapped? Has that boy no common sense? He could've had the decency to bring me my ingredients first!"

"Not joking, Cranky, BWARK! Chunky's been ape-napped! By the Armys!"

Cranky sighed in exasperation and stroked his beard. "Blast those Armys - still trying to take control of the island. Fine. Better go get Donkey and let him know what's going on. He can go get Chunky back. While you're at it, let the others know, too. If I know that banana-brain, he's going to need all the help he can get."

"SQUAWK! But Cranky, the others were ape-napped, too! I heard the Kremlings talking to the Armys about it. They were caught sneaking on board their giant metal ship."

Cranky slammed his cane against the ground again. "Did you say Kremlings? Why didn't you say so before, you chattering bag of feathers!" He jabbed his cane at the parrot. "Go get Donkey and bring him back here - unless he's been kidnapped, too?"

"Right away, Cranky!" squawked Squawks and shot out the window like a cannonball. Donkey Kong was in for a rude awakening - metaphorically speaking.

To clarify, he was already awake and doing his usual morning exercises while listening to his favorite radio program. His plans for that day included picking the choicest bananas, taking a dip in the swimming hole, and then teaching Chunky how to wrestle. Sadly, these best-laid plans were destined to be blown to smithereens by the green feathered cannonball that collided against the poster of his love interest, Candy Kong.

"BWARK!" squawked the cannonball in protest before plopping to the floor. Donkey, who had taken cover beneath the hammock, came out to see if he was all right, but then the cannonball named Squawks leaped into the air again and began bwarking urgently.

"Terrible news, Donkey! RAWK! Kongs have been kidnapped! Need your help! BRAWK! Cranky wants to see you! SQUAWK! Hurry!" And then he shot outside again, leaving a wake of green feathers, which made Donkey Kong sneeze. Quickly gathering his wits, Donkey chased after him, leaping off his treehouse and running as fast as his feet and huge arms could carry him. He barreled into Cranky's lab, knocking over an anatomical model of a Necky. He hastily righted it again.

Cranky barked making Donkey jump, "Took your sweet time getting here! Still shaking off the morning fatigue? Well, look lively, boy, we've got a situation and _you're_ going to fix it!" The old primate began pacing. "I'm sure Squawks told you what's happened? About your friends being kidnapped?"

Donkey bobbed his head.

Cranky grunted and then said, "Good. Now I want you to listen closely - clean out those ears real good 'cause I'm not going to repeat myself - but here are the facts as we know them: your friends went to the shore to investigate a suspicious noise but they don't return and Chunky went into the jungle to collect ingredients for me and _he_ doesn't return either. While Chunky getting lost isn't unusual, the others going missing at the same time makes it more than a tad suspicious. Now I send Squawks out to find them and what does he tell me when he returns? That they've all been kidnapped! He sees Chunky taken by the Armys on the eastern end of the island and then he hears talk about how the Kremlings caught the others sneaking aboard their ship… are you following me, boy?"

Donkey bobbed his head overenthusiastically though he was too worried about his friends to really pay attention to what the old ape was saying. Cranky could be a bit temperamental when he thought he was being ignored, and Donkey didn't want to waste time listening to Cranky complain about how things were done "in his day" while the others were being held captive by the Kremlings… wait, the _Kremlings?_

Cranky nodded sagely. "Figured it out, did you? Yep, it means that K. Rool is back and no doubt wants your hide for all those times you whupped him. You're just lucky he's dumber than you, otherwise he'd have you strung up already. How he managed to capture your friends is something I'll never understand, but whatever the case, you'll need to bring them back and put a stop to whatever that overweight reptile has planned. Follow me closely, Donkey. That's six Kongs…" he held up six fingers.

"BWARK! Actually, Cranky, sir, it's four," Squawks corrected. "Dixie and Kiddie are still on vacation since the last run-in with K. Rool… at least, I hope they are."

Cranky huffed. "Well, that's two less Kongs to worry about."

Donkey counted on his fingers, held up four of them for Cranky to see he understood, and then turned and started to hurry out the door.

"I WASN'T FINISHED!" Cranky bellowed, hopping angrily. When Donkey came meekly back inside, he continued, " _You_ , you little whippersnapper," he punctuated this with a rap on Donkey's head with his cane, "need to learn some patience! Now then…" in a calmer voice he continued, "the reason I called you in here is to let you know that I'll be accompanying you on this little rescue mission."

The stunned silence that followed was deafening. Donkey had an expression of perplexity on his face - something that came naturally to him, considering his mind never contemplated anything more sophisticated than whether it was easier to peel a banana from the stem or the bottom. Squawks's beak gaped and he almost fell out of the air in the moment he forgot to flap his wings.

"As an authority in the field of advanced chemistry," said Cranky as though nothing had happened, adjusting his spectacles importantly, "I'll be supplying you with supplements that will bolster your natural talents, which you will need to take on K. Rool and his minions."

Donkey's only reply was to scratch his head perplexedly.

"Well, don't just sit there like a useless lump of fur, gather up my things and let's go!"

…

Five minutes later, the two of them were heading into the jungle, Cranky taking the lead despite his age while Donkey jogged behind him with much of Cranky's lab on his back, which explained why Cranky was ahead. Every so often, the old ape would snap at Donkey for being too slow.

"What's taking you, lead feet? Old Wrinkly could run faster than you, rest her soul. Come on, pick it up!"

Donkey did his best to keep up, but a few moments later he just had to stop to rest. Cranky heard the rattle as Donkey sat down and he barked, "There's no time for resting! We've got your useless friends to rescue. Could already be too late by now, K. Rool could have them…"

He didn't finish whatever horrible scenario he had thought of to horrify Donkey with for that's when they heard the underbrush rustling. Something was coming toward them and it wasn't being very subtle about it.

"Up and at 'em, Donkey! Sounds like trouble!"


	3. A Sinister Scheme

**Chapter 3: A Sinister Scheme**

"Get ready!" Cranky barked, raising his cane in an offensive position.

Donkey dropped the gear on his back and scanned it for anything that might be used for a weapon. A pair of metal wires spread into a "V" caught his attention and he snatched it up. They didn't look to be effective as clubs; in fact, one good hit would snap them in two - or four as they were already in two - but Donkey knew from experience that they packed an electrically charged punch powerful enough to burn off the hair of a rhinoceros… what little it had. He himself had once gone two whole weeks without his beloved cowlick while the other Kongs had teased him mercilessly about it. With this in hand, he took position next to the old Kong, readied himself in an offensive stance, and waited.

Something long and sinuous burst out of the trees with a yell. Cranky gave a howl and charged forward with his cane while Donkey thrust his weapon forward.

The creature fell on top of him, snapping the wires. It grunted in pain but not as much as Donkey had when he had touched the wires, which told him that they hadn't worked. He abandoned them, gripped the thing in a bear hug, and rolled over it, pinning it to the ground with his heavy body.

"W-w-wait! What's the big idea! Get off, you big lug!" the creature wheezed.

"Git 'im, Donkey!" howled Cranky, dancing up and down and waving his cane. "Give him a left hook! Give him a right hook! Give him a knee to the kidneys!"

"No, wait! Lemme go! I've got a deal for you! A trade, see?"

"Don't listen to him! He's trying to distract you! Just whale on him! Give him the old one-two!"

But Donkey decided to pause and study his opponent a little. It turned out the creature was a weasel with greasy orange fur, dirty blue coveralls, and shifty black eyes. As Donkey held him down, he twisted his body and wheezed with exertion. "I've got information for you if you let me go… _juicy_ information… trust me, you'll be glad you listened."

"Is it about the other Kongs?" Cranky barked. "Because if it is, we already know they've been kidnaped. We just so happened to be on our way to rescue them now… and whup some Kremling tails while we're at it."

"Kidnaped, eh?" said the wheezy weasel. "That's news to me. I've got better news than that… or should I say _worse_ news since it means bad news for you."

"What the devil are you talking about?" squawked Cranky.

"Well, I'll tell you if you tell this big ape to get off my back." The weasel tossed his long snout at Donkey.

"Hmph!" Cranky slammed his cane against the ground in irritation. "Fine! Donkey, let him up. But no funny business," he directed his cane at the weasel and waved it in admonishment, "or I'll have this knucklehead twist you into a pretzel."

"Scout's honor," said the weasel as Donkey stepped away from him while keeping a suspicious eye on him. The weasel smoothed back the fur on his head and then tugged his front. Once he had dusted himself off, he gave a short bow. "Well, now that we're square, allow me to introduce myself. Snide's the name and I'm in the business of heavy duty mechanical engineering."

Cranky waved his hand in impatience. "Good. Great. Pleased to meet you. Now, what was that nonsense about bad news for us?"

Snide slid his hand back against his head and sniffed impertinently. "I'd be nicer to me if I were you. I've got information that could save your lives and your cozy little pad here." He waved his hands at the trees and then continued, "You know K. Rool, don't you? 'Course you do. You go way back. Well, the old bag of guts has a nice little surprise for you: a big blaster to zap your island into a big puff of smoke. Poof!" He clapped his hands emphatically.

Donkey howled in terror, Squawks cried, "Oh no! That's terrible news! BWARK! What do we do?" and Cranky snapped, "Hogwash!" When they all looked at him, he said, "That's nothing but a bunch of hooey! A big blaster to zap the island, ha! That clueless reptile ain't got the brains to build a toaster! Much less an island buster."

"That's because he didn't," Snide said, rubbing his finger against his nose. "I built it. Thought it'd make me a pretty penny, but then the paranoid old fool locked me up… didn't give me a single coin! So now I'm taking back what's mine… that's why I came to you."

He barely finished his sentence when Cranky ran up to him and leered up in his face. He jabbed his cane threateningly, forcing the weasel back with his hands in the air in surrender. "You built a machine to destroy our home? Why I oughta beat you senseless, you slimy, greasy, gutless slick-talking…"

Snide said meekly, "Hey, easy there, Gramps. I'm here to help you, trust me. Doesn't do me much good either to have your island blasted. I just escaped that rusty bucket."

Squawks cried out, "BWARK! What are we waiting around for? K. Rool could blast us any second!"

"Well, if we're going down," said Cranky, gripping his cane in both hands and whipping it above his head, "then I'm going to take this rat with me!"

Snide yelped and dove toward Donkey, slipping behind him. He stuck his head over Donkey's shoulder and cried, "Whoa, easy! You can't just bump me off! You need me to help you stop the machine!"

"BWARK! Did you say, 'stop it'?" Squawks asked.

Snide nodded. "That's right, feather-brain. I'm the only one who knows how. You get rid of me and you might as well kiss this island goodbye."

Cranky waved his cane. "Wait, you're saying we have a chance of stopping it? What's to stop K. Rool from blasting the island right now?"

The conversation got a bit confusing in the next five minutes as Snide tried to explain how the machine was damaged just as they reached the island, which also had allowed him to escape. Cranky was fond of interrupting with his own insights on the matter while Squawks would frequently ask for clarification, and Donkey simply watched the exchange as he scratched his head bemusedly. Eventually, Cranky said, "So let me get this straight. This 'Blast-O-Matic,' you call it, needs to be repaired, which gives us a few hours to stop it. But in order to stop it we need five of us to hit the shutdown buttons at the same time, which means we need to hurry and rescue the other Kongs… is that about right?"

Snide rubbed his nose. "Right on the money, Gramps. You get together five of your best, sneak aboard Crocodile Isle, and shut down the machine. Easy as pie. And as a bonus, you get to give that two-timing fatso what he deserves."

Cranky huffed, "Hmph! I still ought to beat you senseless with my cane, but if you're telling the truth then I guess there's nothing for it but to go rescue those useless fleabags and stop this sinister scheme."

"BWARK!" said Squawks. "Then we should probably rescue Chunky first. RAWK! He's being held captive by the Armies on the eastern end of the island."

"That much was obvious," Cranky grumbled. He waved a fist at Donkey. "Hurry up, Donkey! Gather up my stuff and let's get moving! We're wasting daylight!"

"Excellent," said Snide, rubbing his hands. "I'll tag along if you three don't mind."

So the four of them started off again, heading east through the jungle toward the Armys' territory to rescue their friend and hopefully stop K. Rool and his Blast-O-Matic before it was too late.


	4. Armed Armys

**Chapter 4: Armed Armys**

The Kongs knew when they were beat and for that the Kremlings were grateful… most of the Kongs did anyways. The smallest and loudest of them, however, was causing a lot of trouble for the krew assigned to relocate her. She kept punching and kicking any Kremling that tried to grab her until finally the head of the krew had had enough. He declared through a bloody nose, "Take her to _the Factory_!"

This elicited a sharp intake of breath from the others, which gave Tiny the clue that it wasn't a pleasant place. Never could she imagine the disturbing tales about what went on inside.

When it was built, it was meant to be used to build machines to aid K. Rool in his plan to dominate the seas. The first machines to be built in there were automatons to add to the workforce.

But it was shortly thereafter that Kremlings began going missing. Strange messages then appeared on the walls, saying, "Beware of Mad Jack." There were also reports of strange clanking noises at night, and a mad cackling could sometimes be heard echoing faintly from inside. That was when the krew in charge of this section decided to seal it off, making it inaccessible except through a garbage chute. And this was where they were taking Tiny Kong.

"Let me go, you slimy reptiles!" she shouted as she struggled between two Kasplats, the muscle of the Kremling krew. "You'll be sorry when Donkey comes! He's gonna knock you into next week!"

They approached a chute in the wall of the corridor. A Kremling tentatively poked it open, and they all heard whirring and clanking float up through it. The Kremling jumped back with a yelp and trembled in fear.

"Open it up!" one of the Kasplats tried to bark, but his voice rose into a squeak, showing he was scared, too. So instead, he raised his fist on which he wore brass knuckles. The Kremling clapped his hands to his head in fear and then slowly approached the chute again, whimpering. He closed his eyes and turned his head while he used one finger to push the chute open again as though he didn't want to watch the finger being snapped up by a hungry monster.

"What's the matter with him?" Tiny asked.

"Don't worry about him. You'd better worry about yourself. You're going into the Factory, and nobody ever comes out of the Factory… at least, not alive." He nodded to his partner. "Come on, let's do it."

His partner nodded back. Tiny began kicking her legs frantically and yelled, "Hey, instead of throwing me in there, why don't you face me like real Kremlings! Or are you afraid of a little girl? Ha!" but to no avail. The two Kasplats swung her once and then threw her inside. She hit the inside of the chute hard and bounced around like a coconut rolling down a hill.

Her landing was cushioned somewhat by a hill of gears, wheels, and springs. Hanging on the ceiling were what looked like half-finished mechanical puppets, and in the corner of the room a furnace grumbled, the red flames causing eerie shadows to flicker on the walls.

 _Nobody ever comes out of the Factory alive_ , that goon said, yet someone had to be here or else why would the furnace be running?

Then she heard a mad cackle echoing outside the room. Someone was here all right, and he didn't sound very friendly.

…

Donkey, Cranky, Squawks, and Snide found themselves on Promontory Point overlooking Army Valley. It was an impressive view, if you didn't mind looking down at the Armys' ugly rumps, as Cranky observed. Now all they needed to do was find a way down into the valley and confront the Armys, who had kidnapped Chunky.

"BWARK! There's a trail just over here that will take us down there," Squawks suggested.

"Well, why didn't you tell us before, you useless bag of feathers?" Cranky griped as he jabbed his cane against the ground. "This ain't some vacation we're on… say, you hear something?"

The four of them listened. Snide reported, "I'd know that sound anywhere. It's an M38E1 jeep."

He turned out to be correct, for a few seconds later a jeep appeared from the trees and pulled up beside them, kicking up a cloud of dust. The four of them coughed and waved the dust away. When it settled, the door opened and a combat boot emerged.

Squawks squawked in surprise. "It's Funky!"

Funky popped up above the door. "Yo man, we heard the news and when we did, we thought we'd run right over and give you a little backup!"

Cranky raised a white, bushy eyebrow. "We?"

The other door opened and a pair of long legs emerged. Donkey hastily straightened his tie and smoothed back his hair.

"Oh, it's terrible!" cried Candy, clapping her hands to her face after shutting the jeep door. "Our friends kidnapped and that horrible crocodile causing trouble again! We just had to come!"

Cranky waved his hand dismissively. "Course you did. Who else did you bring to this little family reunion? Swanky? Baby? Crazy Kong?"

"Crazy Kong?" Squawks asked.

"Distant relative. You don't want to meet her, trust me."

Meanwhile, Funky nodded to Donkey, speaking with his own distinctive flavor, "Thought you might want to pop out some sweet justice on them overgrown lizards, so I stashed some hardware in the back of the truck." He jabbed a thumb over his shoulder. With interest, Donkey hustled over, followed a moment later by Snide, and they both peeked in. The weasel gave a sniff and wiped his finger across his nose to show he wasn't impressed, but Donkey oohed at the sight of all the weapons piled on top of each other.

"Yep, got all sorts of kaboom in there for you to play with: cannons, grenades, crossbows, sniper rifles, popguns. You name it, I've got it, and every one guaranteed to send your baddie running or your money back." He flashed Donkey a dazzling grin as he leaned against the back of the truck.

Candy tutted. "Oh, Donkey won't be needing any of that, will you, Donkey? He's got those big strong arms - he'll just whip those Kremlings to the other side of the world, right, handsome?" She placed a hand on her hip and thrust it out, and gave him a wink. Donkey melted at the sight.

Cranky huffed disgustedly and said, "Wipe that stupid grin off your face, you big lug. We don't have time for pleasantries. We've got to rescue your useless friends and stop that blockhead K. Rool from blasting the island with that machine of his, in case you've forgotten, which you probably have." He turned to Squawks. "Now where did you say that trail was?"

Funky perked up. "Hey, if you need a ride, I can give you one. Come on! There's plenty of room in the front!" He added to Donkey in a whisper, "We can stuff old crankypants in the back with all the supplies."

"You'll what?!" snapped old crankypants.

Moments later, they were bouncing down the rather steep trail toward Army Valley. It was a bumpy ride and everyone kept knocking heads - Donkey into Snide, Snide into Candy, Candy into Cranky, Cranky into the window. Squawks was perched on a pair of plush barrels swinging from the top of the cab, so he wasn't knocked about as much as everyone else. Funky whistled cheerfully as he jerked the wheel back and forth. After a few minutes, he announced, "Army Valley coming up!"

Soon they came to a stop. It took a while for everyone's heads to stop rolling but after a while they discovered that they had arrived. That was the good news. The bad news was they were surrounded by Armys. They had heard the truck rattling its way down the slope and had all gathered to give the Kongs an unfriendly welcome.

The Armys are a species of animals with a low body supported by four legs and a bony, segmented shell on their backs. With their stubby legs, they don't look very fast but they have a trick that gives them a burst of speed and that is to curl into a ball. They have long, narrow snouts and relatively large ears. They have unpleasant dispositions with a penchant for either boasting or complaining - sometimes both at the same time.

For the longest time, the Armys had considered themselves rivals to the Kongs and were constantly scheming to take the entire island for themselves. Fortunately, they weren't very bright and also quite clumsy, so they didn't pose much of a threat. They were a nuisance at best.

Though finding yourself surrounded by them was not the best situation to be in.

"Funky, you linguistically challenged dope!" Cranky squawked, whacking him on the noggin. "You've brought every Army on this island to us! How are we supposed to get out of this?"

"Hey, chill, old dude. We can get rid of them with my hardware in the back."

It was a simple enough solution… until the Armys tore into the back and began confiscating it all; and, bright or not, an Army with a bazooka was not someone you wanted to tangle with. Now they were surrounded by Armys with weapons, and by the sound of their sniggering, they were enjoying this a lot.

One of them spoke in a reedy voice, "All right now, everybody out of the truck. No funny business or we blow you all sky high!"

They obediently filed out of the truck with their arms raised to the sky. Snide wiped his nose with a sniff and said, "I'm not with these guys. I was a victim of circumstance."

The Army waved his bazooka. "Quiet, you! I won't hesitate to use this!" Snide hastily shuffled back into the group, bowed his head, and sniffed.

Candy huffed indignantly, "You won't get away with this! What have you done to poor Chunky, you animals? We want him back!"

The Armys sniggered. Then the one with the bazooka answered, "You mean the big ape? We traded him, that's what! Gave him to the Kremlings to work on their ship. They might give him a nice banana if he does his job good." They all snickered again as though this was a hilarious joke.

Snide cleared his throat, sounding very nervous. "Er… how about we make a deal if you don't give me to the Kremlings? I can build you a giant cannon - use it to conquer the island, you know…"

Cranky rapped him sharply on the head. "Not while I'm here, you yellow-bellied traitor!"

The bazooka-toting Army snapped, "Enough! That's for our king to decide. Now come with us, and no funny business or we blow a hole where your head ought to be!"

Funky was distraught about leaving his precious jeep behind, but after a few threats he fell in step behind the others, glancing backwards often and reaching for her as she got further and further from him with every step he took.

They were marched to a clearing where an entire army of Armys was gathered. An aisle ran between them, flanked by tufts of banana leaves arranged in intervals, leading up to a stone podium with giant palm fronds rearing up behind it to resemble a throne. Their king was obviously going for grandiose here with the materials at hand. The king himself, Army Dillo, was on the throne, wearing a hat made of feathery leaves. Another example of the biggest being the boss, Army Dillo was twice the size of the rest of them, almost as big as Donkey.

"Well, well, well," he slurped as they marched up to him. He had a tendency to spit when he talked, due to his overactive saliva glands. "The rebellious Kong family brought to my feet at last." He sniggered.

"Ha! You wish!" retorted Cranky. "We just want our dope back! Chunky, I mean."

"Chunky?" Army Dillo repeated, lobbing a particularly large gob of saliva at the crew when he pronounced the "ch." He continued, "I don't know who you mean."

"You know perfectly well who we mean!" snarled Cranky, stomping his feet impatiently. "Give him back or else these boneheads will twist you all into pretzels!"

Army Dillo only laughed. "Oh, you mean the big, dumb-looking one? You're too late for him! Traded him to the Kremlings. I was going to keep him as my jester but then I got someone better to be it! Come on out and show them, monkey!"

An Army emerged from behind the throne with a leash in his mouth. On the other end of the leash was a monkey in a frilly collar and a giant flower on his head. They had replaced his clothes but there was no mistaking who it was forced to amuse the king with his pratfalls.

"Hi, guys," Diddy said glumly.

Candy was indignant. She shouted, "You turned Diddy into your _pet,_ you little termites? How dare you? You're going to regret that so much by the time we're all finished with you!"

"Hey, who's holding the bazookas here?" King Army Dillo snarled, spraying saliva. Then he grinned wickedly, "But I'm in a good mood, so I'll make you a deal. If one of you can beat me in a fight, then you can have your little pipsqueak back. But if you lose…" he sniggered, "then you all become my slaves. Deal?"

The Kongs all glanced at each other. Funky clapped his hands. "I like those odds! You can take him, right, Donkey?"

Cranky stroked his beard. "Hmph! I smell skullduggery."

"Well, it's not as if we have much choice," Snide pointed out. "They've got the weapons. This challenge is our best bet of getting out of this mess in one piece."

Candy declared, "I know Donkey can do it, right, Donkey?" She winked at him and giggled. Donkey tugged on his necktie and grinned sheepishly. He nodded.

King Army Dillo sniggered excitedly. "Good! Then let the battle commence! Everyone, to the battle pit!" He leaped from his throne and then rolled off, followed by his subjects. Diddy was led away by his leash.

The Army with the bazooka prodded the prisoners in the back. "Let's go, bozos. We don't want to keep the king waiting!" And with all of the Kongs grumbling threateningly, they made their way to the battle pit.


	5. Fight Fiasco

**Chapter 5: Fight Fiasco**

The Armys didn't have much in brains or charm. They definitely lacked in construction and housekeeping skills. But it wasn't too long before the Kongs had something to be impressed by.

The battle pit was enormous. A diplodocus could sleep comfortably inside, provided it was comfortable curling into a ball. It was an irregularly shaped section of land that had sunk into the earth – probably from the collapse of a cave. Large wrinkles in the downslope created natural seats, smoothed out by years of use. The Armys were already gathering on these stands, sniggering excitedly about the upcoming event. The Kongs were prodded down the slope, turning into an aisle just before the bottom of the pit. Donkey was singled out of the group and shoved into the pit itself where King Army Dillo was waiting.

He sniggered, "Ready to taste the agony of defeat, eh, Donkey? Take a good look around you because this is going to be your grave!"

Donkey scowled and then howled and beat his chest in challenge.

Army Dillo sneered, "Oh, you won't be so confident when you see what I've got." He then barked, "Armys! Bring me my armor!"

Two Armys appeared at the top of the hill and scurried down toward their king. On their backs they carried what looked like an Army shell made out of metal with two attachments on either side of it. As they got closer, Donkey realized the attachments were cannons! Two guns with barrels as big around as watermelons. The two Armys quickly fitted it onto their king and then scurried back up the hill and took seats.

Army Dillo sniggered and then jeered, "What do you think, Donkey? Like my upgrades? They were gifts from the Kremlings. Twin cannons that launch fireballs! You love fireballs, don't you, dummy?" He was beside himself with glee.

Donkey shook his head and waved his hands fervently.

Army Dillo grinned wickedly. "You got it! Two giant fireballs coming right up!" and with a reedy snigger he opened fire on the hapless primate.

Cannonballs wrapped in flames zoomed past Donkey as he ran. He tried to charge up the slope, but a group of Armys scurried in to intercept him, using their heads to butt him back in the pit. A couple of explosions around him spurred him to jump back to his feet and run around the edge of the arena to dodge the cannon-wielding Army.

Up in the stands, the Kongs watched in concern. Cranky muttered, "He certainly wasted no time bungling it up. Terrified of a couple of peashooters!"

"Nah, man," Funky argued, "those are cannons that are firing flaming 300 mm round shots at 80 miles per hour, meaning those could pop Donkey's head off his shoulders!"

Cranky waved his point away. "An irrelevant point. All I'm saying is if Donkey doesn't beat this clown, we don't get Diddy back and this island goes kaput!"

"What can we do?" Candy cried, biting her nails.

"SQUAWK! If Donkey can dodge him long enough, maybe that Army fellow will run out of ammo soon."

Funky clutched his head in despair. "Ah man! No way Donkey can keep this up! We're toast!"

Candy leaped up from her seat and began screaming her heart out. "COME ON, DONKEY! YOU CAN DO THIS! BEAT THAT ARMY DILLO! GO, DONKEY!" She bounced up and down as she cheered, which attracted the attention of the Armys in the audience, who hardly ever had the chance to watch an excitable lady like Candy shake her thing. While she distracted the Armys, Cranky reached into his lab coat and pulled out a test tube of some sort of syrup. It was an unhealthy green color until the old primate sprinkled in some slimy orange pulp and then it became a toxic gray color. He gave it a shake and then it turned red.

Snide eyed the concoction warily and leaned away from it. "Should a brew be changing colors like that?"

Cranky held it up. "It's my growth formula. I planned to save it to grow giant bananas, but the way Donkey's handling things, it's obvious he needs a little intervention. All I need now is some way of getting it to him. Just splash this stuff on and he'll transform into Super Kong!"

Funky clapped his hands excitedly. "Hey now, if a peashooter's what you need…" He reached behind his back, pulled out a dart gun, and passed it to the old codger.

Cranky took it and grumbled, "That will have to do." He slipped the vial into the barrel and then took aim at Donkey, who was still running in circles to avoid the fireballs Army Dillo was launching at him. He took in a breath and raised the dart gun to his mouth.

An Army suddenly noticed what he was doing and he yelled out, "Hey! What are you doing?"

Cranky jumped in surprise at the same time he blew into the gun, throwing off his aim. The vial flew out of the barrel, tumbled through the air, and - instead of aiming for Donkey - arced through the air and crashed squarely on top of Army Dillo's head, sending red goop slipping down his long snout.

Cranky swore at the same time that the Army who had startled him starting yelling, "Sabotage! He's trying to poison King Army Dillo! Everybody get him!" Then there was a confused scuffle as the nearest Armys tackled the Kongs. Fortunately, they had forgotten their bazookas in their excitement; otherwise, the entire arena might have wound up a smoking crater and the story would have ended prematurely. But in the midst of the brawling, none of them noticed what was going on in the pit below.

At first, it didn't seem anything was happening while Army Dillo shook his head, slinging the red goop in all directions, and spluttered. "Gah! What's this? It's… red! I've been hit! Why you dirty…" Then he glurped and convulsed as Cranky's concoction took effect. Donkey, at first a little bemused by this, quickly became horrified as the king of the Armys began to grow. His snout grew longer, his little clawed feet stretched out, his tail grew heavier, and his metal shell creaked as it adjusted to the growth spurt. He was soon Donkey's height, and he kept growing, becoming as large as Rambi – as a jeep – as a pirate ship – as a… well, at this point he was crowding out the sleeping diplodocus and giving the tussling team pause for thought – mostly, "How big is he going to get?"

"Cranky…" said Candy in breathless horror, "what have you done?"

"What have _I_ done?" squawked the old primate indignantly. "It was _this_ bonehead…" he rapped the Army on the head with his cane, prompting him to roll over onto his back with his legs sticking straight up, "who threw me off!"

Regardless of who was to blame, the fact remained that Army Dillo was now big enough to press them flatter than lily pads. He admired his new size for a moment before he located Donkey and pressed his snout up to him. He sniggered, and at this size the saliva came spraying out like a rainstorm, drenching Donkey and making him smell worse than a Kremling's tail. "Thought you'd get the best of me, huh? But it all backfired on you, didn't it? Now I'm going to squash you like a little ant, and after that, I'm going to take over the island!" He shook with hearty guffaws, great gobs of spit launching from his mouth between each one. Donkey scurried out of the way to avoid drowning, but Army Dillo didn't notice until he was about halfway up the slope.

"Oh no you don't!" roared the titanic Army and he stomped a foot against the ground, sending ripples up and down the pit, sending the audience tumbling from their seats and causing Donkey to stumble and land on his chin. Army Dillo scurried toward the fallen primate, sniggering greedily.

"Donkey!" cried a young voice, distracting the Army king. He twisted around to find the source and saw his little performing Kong, who scurried around him toward Donkey, dragging the leash behind him. Coming up on his friend, Diddy tugged on Donkey's arm in an attempt to help him up. "Come on, let's get out of here!"

"Where others?" Donkey asked as he struggled to his feet.

"Waiting for us at the top. They managed to give the other Armys the slip when the ground shook. That's how I escaped. Now come on!"

"YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE!" roared Army Dillo coming up behind them with a murderous rage in his eyes. He stopped short and then fired the cannons on his shell.

His aim was a little too high and too far on either side of Donkey and Diddy though that didn't mean the primates were in the clear. The fireballs missed them but the blast hit them with the force of a barrel to the face and adding further to their injury were the little pellets of dirt and rock from the explosion. They were going to be black and blue in the morning… if they survived, that was. Because even before the dirt stopped falling, they all heard great echoing cracks, and dark, jagged lines streaked across the pit.

"Huh?" Army Dillo gulped, which made it clear he had no idea what he had just done.

Diddy spelled it out for him, "This pit's collapsing! Come on, Donkey! We've got to get out of here before we're all sucked under!"

"Wait!" cried Army Dillo and took a step forward. He never made it. In his last second, the earth opened its hungry maw and swallowed him whole. The only thing that remained of him was his terrified scream, growing fainter until it faded completely.

But the beast was not satiated. It wanted more food and so it sent a crack straggling its way up the hill behind the two Kongs, who were scrambling as fast as they could to get as far away as possible.

"Come on, Donkey!" Diddy cried, tugging on his arm to get him to move faster.

The earth stretched its maw, lapping at the heels of the two primates, making the ground they were running on like sponge. All it needed was for the two to take one wrong step.

It was disappointed. Both Diddy and Donkey escaped the pit and fled as far away from it as they thought was safe, which was about a gorilla's toss. They collapsed to the ground, gasping for air and relieved to be alive. They were even more relieved when they heard Candy call to them and the rest of the gang joined their side. Snide made it, too.

Candy snatched up Diddy and gripped him in a bear hug. "Oh, I'm so glad you're all right, Diddy! Did they hurt you at all?"

"I'm fine," Diddy wheezed.

Cranky tossed in Diddy's shirt and cap and then barked, "We don't have time for this! Diddy, take that ridiculous outfit off and put your clothes on. You look like a pansy in that. And when you're done, we need to head to the Kremlings' ship and rescue that idiot, Chunky, so we can shut down some doomsday device that brainless reptile, K. Rool, has somewhere on there."

Candy dropped Diddy. Diddy cried as he started changing his clothes, "But wait! We can't leave until we rescue Lanky! They've taken him to the ruins in Desolate Desert. They're going to use him to go into dangerous areas of the ruins to collect parts for their machines."

The gang gave a cry of outrage. Candy snarled, "Why those lowdown, dirty, stinking leatherheads! Making Lanky do the dangerous work for them!"

"Finding parts to repair the Blast-o-Matic, no doubt," Snide added, giving his nose a wipe and a sniff.

Cranky slammed his cane against the ground. "Bah! It's always something! Is there anyone else we need to worry about while we're here?"

Funky spread his arms and rolled his shoulders. "Well, hey, if you dudes need a ride to the ruins, I could take you there."

"Great," said Cranky. "But if you lead us into another trap, Funky, I'll dump this growth formula all over your head until it's so big you'll need a crane to hold it up!"

Funky chuckled nervously and gave him a thumbs-up. "Roger that."


	6. Tricky Temples

**Chapter 6: Tricky Temples**

On the western end of the island were the ruins of what was once an ancient civilization. It had probably been a utopia of prosperity filled with advanced technology and brimming with a sophisticated culture until Something happened and the people mysteriously vanished, though not before they took all the lushness with them. Now all that was left was a huge stretch of desert and a few exotic buildings to keep archeologists busy… and some advanced tech that some nefarious reptiles could scrounge for their dastardly devices. The Kongs would have to be careful when they reached the Platitudinous Ruins in Desolate Desert. Trouble was bound to be waiting there.

Then again, trouble found them before they even arrived. A rattletrap vehicle piled high with parts swung around a bend in the road and started to pass them when the Kremlings inside spotted the Kongs and let out a yell. The pilot jerked the wheel, sending a cascade of metal parts clanging onto the road, and then gave chase.

"I warned you!" Cranky Kong screeched and rapped Funky on the head.

"Ow, man!" Funky complained. "You crazy coot! You almost made me run off the road!"

"I warned you about getting us into trouble, didn't I?" Cranky waved his cane threateningly.

Snide muttered, "The old ape may be more dangerous than this surf bum's driving."

"What'd you say about me, you ferret?"

"Boys," said Candy, breaking up their bickering, "we've got to do something before they catch us!"

"And what do you suggest?" Cranky asked her, "getting on top of the jeep and wiggling our behinds at them?"

Nobody had any real good ideas. Funky just did his best to shake them, weaving in "S" shapes while behind them the passenger Kremling had climbed onto the hood of the truck and was stretching out his arm and snatching at the jeep every time they swept by.

Then the death-defying Kremling received a surprise. He made to snatch the jeep again, only for a cane to appear through the window and whack him across his snout. He tumbled backward into the seat and sprawled there dazed. The other Kremlin shook his head in disgust and then pressed a button on the dashboard.

The front of the truck opened and something sharp slid out. It looked like a harpoon!

Funky turned white when he glanced into the rearview mirror. "Ohhhhhh no. I can't let them do that to my baby! She's too delicate to be handled this rough!"

"Funkeeeeee!" Candy wailed. "Get us out of here before they spear us with that thing!"

"Okay, hang on, dudes. This is gonna be close!" He reigned in his snake pattern until he was driving straight. The Kremlings followed suit until they had the jeep directly in the line of fire.

"Funky!" they all yelled in a mix of anger, exasperation, terror, and bewilderment. "What are you doing?"

He held up his finger. "Wait for it…"

The Kremling narrowed his eyes as he sized up the target. He raised a claw above the button.

"Funky?" came Candy's panicked voice.

"Wait for it…"

The Kremling jabbed his finger on the button.

"Now!" cried Funky and he jerked the wheel, veering off the path onto rough terrain. The harpoon shot from the Kremling's vehicle, trailing a length of heavy rope behind it that hizzed in the air until it hit a giant cactus. It had been a close one for the Kongs, who were lucky to be alive. They didn't see it that way, though. It's hard to see the good in a situation when you're cross-eyed and your head's been repeatedly knocked on like a bongo drum.

The driver, realizing he had missed their target, pressed a button to reel the harpoon in again to give it another go. The harpoon was stuck solid inside the cactus and wasn't going to be coming out easily – something the Kremlings didn't find out until they tried to steer around the cactus, only to have the line pull them straight into it. They hit with a solid crunch that sent both lizards flying into the bristling plant. They came immediately back out of it with howls and danced to show their pain. Funky pulled onto the road, passing them by while thumbing his nose at them.

He turned to his companions and flashed them a dazzling grin. "We did it, dudes! We're in the clear!"

They might have cheered at this news were they not still reeling. Cranky, undoubtedly, would have had a thing or two to say about Funky's driving but he couldn't even get his eyes to look straight. Funky didn't let their lack of response bog him down. On the contrary, he was quite cheerful as he drove them all the way to the Platitudinous Ruins. They knew they had arrived when everyone started shaking sand out of their ears.

If there was anything about the ruins that was significant, it was that they had some of the most diverse architecture in the world. There was the run-of-the-mill, nondescript temple with the usual monkey gods, but there was also a pyramid reminiscent of the Egyptian, a ziggurat like the Mesopotamians, a distant cousin of the Parthenon, and what closely resembled a pagoda, with a giant obelisk in the center of it all, the sun's light searing off its bronze cap. And somewhere amidst these multicultural structures, the Kremlings were holding Lanky captive.

Candy shielded her eyes against the glaring sun as she scanned the ruins. "Oooh," she said, "there's so many buildings. How are we supposed to find Lanky?"

"Give a shout. Maybe he'll answer," Cranky suggested, climbing unsteadily out of the jeep.

So Candy filled her lungs and then yelled as loud as she could, "Laaankyyyyyyy!" Her voice reverberated between all the crumbling temples, making it sound like a dozen Candys searching desperately for the orangutan. But not a single one of them got an answer.

Snide sniffed. "They'll be using him to test for traps in these temples. Chances are one of them's done your long-armed friend in."

"You don't know that!" Candy snarled fiercely.

Snide raised his hands in a gesture of placation. "Just saying, honey."

"Let's look for him just to be sure," Diddy said, stepping between them. "I think we should split up and check each of these temples. Holler if you find anything."

They split up and made their way across the scorching sands to each of the temples. Cranky, accompanied by Squawks, headed toward the temples of the monkeys, Donkey aimed for the pyramids, Diddy scampered toward the ziggurats, Candy set her sights on the Parthenon, and Funky made his way to the pagodas. Snide remained at the jeep, muttering something about keeping an eye on the artillery in case the Kremlings decided to swipe it.

Within the temples, each of the Kongs entered an antechamber with a door at the end that were all shut tight. In the center of each chamber was a pedestal on which was inscribed a riddle. The riddle was different for each temple. For Cranky, the riddle read, "My flesh is white, my skin is yellow, my texture soft, my flavor mellow. What am I?" Donkey's read, "I've milk within my hairy shell, I've three mouths but I'll never tell. What am I?" Candy's read, "A figure eight my figure makes, you get two when my shell breaks. What am I?" And Funky's read, "A yellow treat is yours to claim, if you can get past my bristly frame. What am I?" Just beneath the inscription was a round indentation and in a slot on the side of the pedestal were a pile of tokens with pictures on them. Pictures of fruit, to be precise.

In the antechamber of the temple of the monkeys, Squawks said as he studied the riddle, "Bwaark! What's got white flesh, yellow skin, soft texture and mellow flavor?"

Cranky waved his cane irritably. "How should I know? These things never make sense. It's just to make the people who ask them feel really clever and smug, but if they were here right now, I'd smack their stupid grins right off their faces! See how smug they feel after that."

"Braaaawk! It must be a fruit of some kind. That's what's on these tokens. And there's a slot to put one of them into."

"Well, ha, joke's on them!" Cranky said triumphantly. "We just try every one of them until something happens. We don't even need to answer their stupid riddle." So that's what he began to do.

Donkey also started doing the same thing after scratching his head over the riddle he had. Candy discovered the same method, too, and so did Funky. One by one, all the Kongs tried each token in the pedestals until something happened that told them they had found a match. Upon inserting the correct token, each of them heard a loud crack and then the doors at the end of each chamber sank into the floor.

"It was a banana!" Squawks cried in the voice of someone who knows he should have known it from the beginning.

Donkey grunted at his token, "Coconut."

Candy shook her head. "Well, what do you know? It was a peanut."

And Funky guffawed, "How was I supposed to know it was a pineapple? Seriously, who comes up with this kind of stuff?"

They were pleased to have the way open so they could continue their search for Lanky. But placing the tokens in the slots didn't just open the doors into the temple interior. Just before disappearing into history, the ancient Civilization constructed traps in the temples for the amusement of modern-day adventurers. The ancient Civilization, with all their ingenuity, constructed the pedestals so that when the tokens were placed in all five of them, they would unlock another door with the ultimate trap inside...

In the center of the cluster of temples rose a giant obelisk like a finger admiring the tip of its bronze cap, which deflected the sun's harsh rays into the eyes of innocent birds, who were simply trying to find a drink of water in this dry and barren land.

Suddenly, a loud, metallic click reverberated between the temples, and the edges of the bronze pyramid split apart. The pyramid slowly creaked open like a flower yawning as it blooms, the light of the sun slowly slipping in to illuminate the thing hidden inside.

Feeling the sun's rays on its face, it grunted and twitched. Slowly, two eyes opened, blinked, and then shut again. It grunted again and rolled over. Then it grunted again and shook its head. The eyes opened again and then it lifted its head. It growled ill-temperedly and then climbed to its feet.

The thing's name was Dogadon. This was the guardian of the temples appointed by the ancient Civilization. Long ago he had been put into the cap of the obelisk where he would sleep until the sanctity of the temples was disturbed. He had figured this wouldn't happen for a century or two, but someone had woken him up twenty-five years too early and he was cranky.

Someone was going to pay.


	7. Disgruntled Dragon

**Chapter 7: Disgruntled Dragon**

SPROING-CLUNK. SPROING-CLUNK. SPROING-CLUNK.

He was getting closer, cackling like a maniac. The only way out of here besides the chute where Tiny had been dropped was through the door at the other end, meaning she couldn't run. There was only one alternative. She would have to hide.

She barely had time to climb to the ceiling and suspend herself by her suspenders – a process that's trickier than it sounds - to blend in with all the other mechanical puppets when the door crashed open and the maniac sproing-clunked inside.

It was the craziest-looking killer toy Tiny had ever seen. A ghoul-in-a-box. From its peeling and faded star-spangled box sprang the head of a Kremling with bulging bloodshot eyes, though something seemed wrong with the head. In the back there was almost no skin at all covering the metal skull inside. It was as though it had ripped the face off of a living Kremling and roughly shoved it onto its own, wearing it like a rubber mask. As bad as the blood between the Kongs and Kremlings was, Tiny could not help but feel a sense of horror for the poor Kremling.

The ghoul-in-a-box cackled with glee. "I wonder what it is? I wonder what it is? Oooh! I can't wait to find out!" He leaped forward toward the hill of gears, brushing against the feet of the puppets overhead, including Tiny's, who barely restrained her gasp. He drew up before the hill and his cackling quickly died.

"It's not here," he cried. "It's gone! But how? I know I heard something fall in here! I know I did!" With claws that sprang separately from the box, he began tearing into the hill of gears, sending them clattering against the walls and the floor.

Then suddenly he stopped. He had heard a ping. A softer, more musical tone than that made by the clunky gears. His head swiveled on its spring and he looked down.

It was a rivet from one of Tiny's pockets. It had ripped off as she had been sliding around the gear hill – something she hadn't noticed until just now. Her heart hammered in her ribs as she prayed it wouldn't lead the killer toy to her.

"Ah ha! Haven't seen you before! Something _did_ fall in here! But you didn't make the noise, now, did you?" He plucked it from the floor and studied it. "Something came in here with you, didn't it? Or is it… _someone,_ hmm?" He swiveled his head one full turn first in one direction and then the other, the gears involved in the motion grinding like bones, setting Tiny's teeth on edge.

"Yoohoo! Come out, come out, wherever you are! When I find you, we're going to have so much fun, just you wait!" He sprang toward the furnace and then bobbed his head around both sides of it, checking to see if she was hiding there. Not finding her there, he sprang toward another corner and rummaged around the half-finished parts piled there. When he didn't find her there either, he swiveled around toward the center of the room.

"Clever, clever, aren't you?" he gloated. "But don't worry. Sooner or later, I will find you. And then we'll…"

He cut off abruptly to sniff the air. "...ah, I think I smell…" He sniffed again.

"Coconuts. I do believe I smell coconuts!" He cackled. "Ah, tickle me pink! It's a she! And she's in here! Somewhere…"

He tipped his head back.

"…in…"

He rolled his eyes to the ceiling.

"…here…"

He bared his metal fangs in a triumphant grin.

...

While the other Kongs had been busy deciphering their riddles to open the doors into the temples, Diddy was racing as fast as he could through the hallways of his temple, for when he had entered, he had found the riddle already solved ( _I've an emerald rind and a ruby core, bury my onyx specks if you want more_ ) and the door wide open. He also found a lot of the temple traps, which ancient civilizations are so fond of installing, had already been sprung: the swinging blades, the poisoned darts, the crushing walls (this took him some time to unspring as there was an unfortunate Kremling jamming the works). After dodging past all of this, he finally entered the glittering treasure chamber where the _piece de resistance_ was a golden effigy of a half-peeled banana resting in the paws of a corpulent stone gorilla at the top of a set of steep stairs.

The Kremlings weren't interested in it, however, as Diddy quickly discovered. Instead they were both gazing up at a giant lens, one of four that caught the sunlight that filtered through the seams of the ceiling and refracted it toward the golden banana like a spotlight in order to entice treasure hunters and remind them why they risked life and limb going through the deathtrap. One of the Kremlings was holding on to a leash, which was attached to a long-limbed primate making his way up the wall toward the lens. There was a button on the end of the leash, which was designed to administer a shock to the Kong on the other end when it was pressed. Which was why Lanky was climbing the wall.

Diddy considered his options. Then he scurried to the base of the stairs, turned to the Kremlings, and shouted, "Hey, you peabrains! Over here!"

They spun around in surprise. Lanky almost fell off in surprise. Then the Kremlings chased after him. The one with the leash was still holding onto it, yanking Lanky off the wall like a spring. The orangutan crashed into the back of the Kremling, sending them both tumbling to the floor. The other Kremling turned once to see what had happened then turned back to Diddy and gave chase. Diddy turned and ran up the stairs, bounded onto the head of the statue then reached down and plucked the golden banana from its paws.

The temple rumbled, dust showering from the ceiling. The Kremling paused halfway up the steps and glanced around to see what was going on.

Then a giant stone ball dropped on the stairs and rumbled toward the Kremling, who barely had time to yelp in surprise before he was bowled over. He was knocked out flat - emphasis on flat. Diddy ran past him to the other Kremling, who was getting to his feet with difficulty as he still had the leash in his hand and was trying not to shock Lanky in honor of his entreaties of "Please be careful. I really don't want you to accidentally press that button. It hurts." With his tail, he whipped the Kremling's wrist, causing him to yelp in pain and drop the leash. A punch to the gut and a headbutt later, the Kremling was prone on the floor, groaning softly.

"Lanky!" Diddy ran over to his long-armed friend and started fussing with the collar. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah-ow! Easy there! This collar's on tight! And you could have had me killed when you distracted them. That scaly pinhead pulled me right off the wall!"

"Er, yeah. Sorry about that. Was the best I could come up with at the time. Any higher and the fall could have left you like banana mush on the... boy, this collar is really on tight!"

Lanky brushed him off. "Then never mind that. Listen, we need to get back to the others and warn them. I overheard these scaly pinheads say that K. Rool is going to blast the island with some kind of giant cannon."

"Oh, everyone already knows about that," said Diddy, picking up the leash and offering it to Lanky. "Which is why we're gathering everybody together to stop him. According to Snide, it'll take five of us to shut it down." He turned and started toward the exit.

Lanky wrapped the leash around his wrist and then loped after his smaller companion. "Who's Snide?"

"K. Rool's ex-mechanic. He's the one who built the cannon, so..." He shrugged. "Oh, watch your step here. The floor falls out from under you if you step on the wrong bricks."

They quickly dodged past the traps and made their way out of the temple, ignoring the glowing symbols above the door, which translated to, "Hope you enjoyed the tour. Please come again soon." After taking a moment to allow their eyes to adjust to the searing brightness, Diddy motioned to Lanky, "Come on! Let's grab the others and go! They're all in the different temples, so we'll split up." He pointed at the obelisk. "We'll meet back here once we..." He froze.

Lanky asked, "Hey, Diddy? What's wrong?"

Diddy immediately took off, screaming, "RUUUUUUN!" A moment later, a huge monster swooped down, snatched him up, and shot back into the sky again.

"Diddy!" Lanky scurried across the hot sands. He paused before the scuff where his friend had been snatched and looked up to see the monster climbing higher, a gruesome blot against the sun. It was headed toward the top of the obelisk where no doubt it would snack on the terrified chimpanzee.

"Hang on, little buddy, I'll save you!" He cried and loped toward the obelisk.

…

Heights didn't usually bother Diddy. The fact of the matter was out of all of his friends he was the fastest climber, shimmying fifty feet up Old Conker, the oldest and tallest palm tree in the jungle, at a record 6.3 seconds. But dangling from the clutches of a flying monster was an entirely different matter, one where a fall to his death was very likely.

But rather than a guaranteed death by splat, Dogadon, the monster with Diddy in his clutches, was taking a more personal approach. He carried the little monkey all the way to the top and dumped him on the star-shaped platform. Diddy immediately bounded to his feet, taking a fighting stance. Dogadon hovered over him, giving him a withering stink-eye to let him know that he deserved this. Then he opened fire.

A thing to note about fireballs: fire is incapable of retaining a shape on its own, so the fireballs that Dogadon lobbed at Diddy had to be shaped by something from the monster's own glands, namely saliva. Of course, the hapless primate wasn't as concerned about how disgusting it was as he was about how much being burnt alive would hurt as he scurried here and there to avoid them. But with each fireball that splatted against the platform, there was getting to be less and less room to run. Soon it was too crowded with quivering piles of flaming loogies for Diddy to run anywhere, and so there he sat, trembling as he stared into the cold eyes of Dogadon, who wanted to get one long last look at the inconsiderate jerk who had disturbed his beauty sleep before incinerating him.

In times of desperation, most find themselves doing things they would otherwise be incapable of doing. In Diddy's case, facing the long end of the barrel, so to speak, he did the unthinkable. He took his trademark cap and used it to scoop out a bit of flaming loogie and lob it at the dragon, hat and all.

As a dragon, Dogadon's body was built to be fireproof with hard copper-colored scales, so it wasn't usual for anybody to be able to turn his own flames against him. But with every "invincible" boss, there is always an Achille's heel or two on them, and Dogadon was no exception. He had a rather large, round snout – something the other dragons had often teased him for in his youth – with large flaring nostrils ("flaring" being metaphorical as the only thing that came out of his nose besides phlegm was smoke when he was angry and trying to hold it in). That hat full of loogie slapped him right on the left nostril just as he was inhaling for another burst. His sinuses became overwhelmed with phlegm and the disgruntled dragon burst into a fit of coughing and sneezing that sent him bobbing. He wobbled back and forth, shaking his head, his eyes watering, gradually dropping from the obelisk until he slammed into its face. Dazed, he plummeted to the ground, falling past Lanky, who yelped in surprise, where he crashed into the sand, which only irritated his nose further and started off another round of hacking and sneezing. He staggered to his feet and then hobbled off.

Diddy's little heart hammered against his ribcage like a woodpecker. That had been a close call. The workout had left him hot and sweaty, and the piles of loogie still burning around him didn't make it much better, not to mention the glaring sun above.

Lanky poked his head up from the edge of the platform. "You all right, little buddy?"

"I'll live, thank goodness for that," he replied, wiping his forehead.

The movement drew Lanky's attention. "What happened to your hat?"

"Used it to get myself out of a tight spot. I'll just grab another one back home, but for now, let's find everyone else and get the heck out of this oven."

"I second that," Lanky replied, and the two of them began their long trek down…


	8. Mad Jack Attack

**Chapter 8: Mad Jack Attack**

It took Diddy and Lanky a while to gather the rest of the Kongs from the other temples, in a series of exciting and hilarious misadventures involving treacherous traps, mystifying mazes, seething sentinels, and a dastardly doppelganger of Cranky Kong, who made some fairly ominous predictions about the method of his death, that nonetheless offered little to the progression of the story. And soon, the eight of them (Snide and Squawks included) crammed into Funky's jeep and made their way back to the beach.

When they arrived on Shimmering Shores, five of the crew of eight gasped upon seeing the ominous, towering dreadnought moored a mere mile or two away.

"BWARK! I've never seen anything that big before!" squawked Squawks.

"Or so hideous!" Candy added in horror.

"And you expect us to sneak aboard that thing to shut down that slimy reptile's island buster?" Cranky demanded of Snide.

Snide sniffed and thumbed his nose. "That's the bread and butter of it."

They gazed at the hulking tower of iron, all trying not to wet themselves under its withering glare. Then Funky spoke, "Well, dudes, this is far as I take ya. My girl's not made to tread water, you know? But I'll tell you what: I'll head on back to the shop and gather some gear together that you can use on those scaly leatherheads. I'll be back once I'm stocked up."

"I'll go with Funky," said Candy. "I wish I could join you in teaching those meatheads a lesson, but I'll just get in your way. That's what we've got this big hunk for, right, Donkey?" She smiled sweetly at him, and he rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly.

"I'll come with you," sniffed Snide. "You're gonna need my know-how to shut down that machine – just so long as you keep K. Rool and his goons away from me."

Cranky prodded him with his cane, "Just so long as you don't try any funny business while we're aboard. I'll be watching you like a starved Necky, and if I even _smell_ a hint of double-crossing, I'll have Donkey here rearrange your limbs. Got it?"

Snide gulped. "Got it."

"Right then," said Cranky, and he immediately took charge. "Everyone who's going start swimming for that floating junk heap. Try to stay out of sight. We don't want them picking us out of the water before we get there. Once on board, we sneak in and find those buttons to shut down that device."

Diddy spoke up, "Tiny and Chunky are still aboard somewhere on there. We should try to find them if we can. They can help us shut down the machine."

Cranky waved his cane impatiently. "Fine then. Let's get moving! That doomsday device isn't going to shut down itself! Donkey!" He turned to the affable ape. "You're carrying my stuff… and me. You're not going to take it easy while I'm around, you can bet your crystal coconuts on that!"

…

SPROING-CLUNK. SPROING-CLUNK. SPROING-CLUNK.

The bone-rattling sound echoed deafeningly in the tight, steel corridors, yet they weren't enough to muffle the maniacal laugh and high voice of the killer toy springing right behind Tiny as she ran, her breath coming out in gasps.

"Run, run, run as fast as you can! You can't escape Mad Jack, I'll make you part of my clan! Kee hee hee hee hee!"

Not if she could help it! She just wished these cramped, metal hallways weren't quite so long. If she could find some open space, she was sure she could give Mad Jack the slip.

It wasn't long before she found that open space she was looking for, but it turned out to be not quite what she wanted. The hallway turned abruptly to the right and opened up into a giant manufacturing center where massive machines cranked out animatronic Kremlings by the hundreds on long conveyor belts. She was running out of the frying pan and into the fire here!

It turned out to be even worse. Once Mad Jack was out of the cramped hallway, he now had the room to really uncoil, springing higher and faster with a mad cackle bordering on insane! She only just managed to dodge him by ducking under the belts and cutting a zigzag between mechanical Kremlings.

"Oh, I'll catch you!" he cackled as he bounded back and forth behind her, "Oh, yes, we'll all catch you! My Krobots and I will catch you! KROBOTS! CATCH HER!"

And it was with a deafening shriek of metal grinding on metal that all the mechanical Kremlings turned their heads toward her and their eyes flashed red.

 _Oh, great,_ she thought. _Now I've got an entire army after me._

…

Snide convinced the Kongs to swim around to the rear of Crocodile Isle where they were less likely to be spotted. Once they had all climbed onto the metal bank, Snide pointed up. "We should be able to sneak aboard without being detected if we climb into the Factory. Those scaly boneheads believe it's haunted, which is good news for us."

"Then let's not waste time dilly-dallying," Cranky barked. "Let's go, everyone! The sooner we deal with K. Rool and his machine, the sooner I can get back to my experiments."

So they started their climb up the giant metal Kremling, making use of the portholes, vents, and cobbled metal plates. Snide puffed behind them, inching his way slowly up. He stopped to catch his breath, gazing up at the distance that they had to go, and he paused when he noticed something odd.

"Those vents…" he murmured to himself. "That's steam coming out of them… but that's from the Factory…"

He had just told the Kongs that the Factory was abandoned and was thus the safest way to sneak inside. But if steam was coming out of the Factory, that meant it wasn't as abandoned as he'd said. The question was, should he tell them?

Nah, there was no point. They had already come this far and there weren't any real alternatives. Besides that, he didn't have the breath to shout out a warning. Not to mention it would likely as not attract the wrong kind of attention.

A rather serendipitous if not unscrupulous decision by the weasel since as they got close to the vent that would lead into the factory, they heard a very calamitous clamor like thousands of Funky's jeeps were being slammed together and a shrill voice screaming, "GET HER! CATCH HER! DON'T LET HER GET AWAY!" which could only mean one thing: Tiny Kong was causing trouble in there.

Diddy leaped up to the vent, which was pouring out a thick, black cloud of smoke, and yelled through the grate, "Tiny! Are you in there? Just hang on, we're coming!"

Donkey heaved himself up next to Diddy, and then with his big, gorilla hands, ripped off the grate and tossed it into the ocean. Diddy scrambled inside, creating a Diddy-shaped pocket in the black cloud as it rolled out. Donkey squeezed himself after him, followed by Lanky. Cranky grumbled about taking a different route, one that wasn't so sooty and steam-broiling and Snide took another route entirely, not wanting to be stuck with the cantankerous, old primate or anywhere within reach of his cane.

Inside the ventilation shaft, the Kongs were making slow progress, with the black smoke assaulting their eyes and causing them to sting. They shielded themselves as best they could. Diddy called out for Tiny, his tiny voice dampened by the copious clouds of smoke and vibrating in the metal to make it sound tinny. He almost fell into the furnace. It was by a flash of orange in the dark smoke below him that he managed to stop himself in time.

"Thanks, Donkey," he said, unwinding his tail from Donkey's wrist.

"Welcome," said the laconic ape, his big hand over his mouth and nose to filter the smoke.

Diddy pointed behind himself. "That way's a dead end. We'll have to try a different route."

It was a sensible point, yet none of them could ignore the calamitous clanging echoing through the furnace and into the vents that indicated Tiny was in trouble. Each second wasted was a second that could be Tiny's last. They had to move quickly.

Donkey was not a patient ape. He wanted to save Tiny now! So for this dilemma he employed the usual answer: brute force. He braced his back against the top of the vent to give himself some swinging room and then smashed his fist against the bottom.

It took one smash and four seconds of prying the resulting metal blossom open to get through. Then two seconds more, they landed on the ground with the force of a nine-hundred and seventy-nine-pound cannonball that sent a shockwave through the manufacturing room, toppling all six-hundred fifty-three Krobots like bowling pins.

"Now what's this? What's this?" shrieked Mad Jack, ripping at the ribbons of shredded leather mask at the back of his head in agitation. "Three uninvited guests? This is unexpected and unwelcome! Unfortunately for you, I have an unpleasant undertaking for you underlings!"

"Yeesh!" exclaimed Diddy, hopping down from Donkey's shoulder. "You're a regular basket case, aren't you?"

Lanky added, "I probably shouldn't be asking but, uh… what exactly are you supposed to be?"

The answer to that was a tale of tragedy. Mad Jack was once a meek Kremling named K. Lever. He had been born with the genetic defect of abnormally high intelligence, and as a result had often been kicked around by the other Kremlings. His only friends had been the mechanical dolls he put together. Then all that changed when K. Rool (back when he went by the title "Baron") came along and put him in charge of constructing a mechanical army of Kremlings. At last, his talents were being appreciated and for a time he was on top of the world. Then tragedy struck when a jealous Kasplat "accidentally" knocked him down from a catwalk, breaking his legs and paralyzing his body from the waist down. Using his talent for tinkering, he fashioned himself mechanical prosthetics to replace his useless legs and afterward upgrade his puny arms. Eventually, all that metal gave him lead poisoning, which, among other things, ruined his mind until he was little more than a maniacal mechanical monster, bent on vengeance for all the horrible things anyone had ever done to him.

But none of the Kongs would get the chance to learn this lamentable lyric because then Tiny Kong came running up, and she leered at him, "Yeah, you're in trouble now! Donkey's gonna pop your head off and use it like a bowling ball!"

With a snarl, Mad Jack swiveled toward her then sproinged forward. She leaped upward with a yelp, just avoiding being crushed beneath his box, but her victory was short-lived for was she fell back down, he snatched her in his claws.

The Kongs howled in alarm and started forward to save her until Mad Jack thrust her into the air and yelled, "Hey! I was playing with her first! You gotta wait your turn!" She yelled and kicked the springs that served as his arms but he was oblivious to it. With a shrill shriek of glee, he sproinged across the manufacturing center toward a chute labeled in big industrial letters: TESTING CHAMBER.

"Put me down!" Tiny screamed. "Put me down, you big, dumb creep!"

Mad Jack only cackled in reply. He sproinged into the chute box-first, crashing through the gate, where they landed on a giant raised platform – an arena of sorts. On the walls were tracks for two giant mechanical arms to slide around. Their purpose was to handle any potentially dangerous devices that Mad Jack created, like chainsaw-wielding Krobots. If the dastardly devices were defective, they were pushed into the holes that checkered the platform and dropped to the flames below where they were immediately incinerated. Only now, Mad Jack was going to use it as a playpen.

"Tag!" he yelled gleefully. "You're it!" He tossed Tiny toward one of the holes, which she narrowly avoided falling into by kicking off the very edge to launch herself to the other side, catching it and then using it to pull herself back up.

"Awww! Not fair! I _so_ had you in that hole!"

"That is NOT how you play tag!" Tiny blurted, trying to hide the fact that she was shaking. She glanced up the chute. All she had to do was stall this crazy jack-in-the-box and then Donkey would come and pound his face into a lily pad. In fact, she could hear them coming down now…

Except it was taking too long for them to appear. There was a lot of banging and howling, and the chute was shuddering energetically, but none of her friends were popping out.

Mad Jack saw where she was looking. He swiveled his head in that grinding way that set Tiny's teeth on edge to look and then he turned back and grinned at her. "Oh, good. My lock is working. Those bullies won't steal you from me, that's for sure."

Which was exactly the sort of thing Tiny did not want to hear. Trapped in here with this maniac, and her friends on the other side, with no way to help her! She was on her own.

"Well, crap," she swore.

"Hopscotch!" countered the cracked Jack and sproinged toward her. She leaped back with a yelp, avoiding getting crushed beneath the giant box, and their game of chase resumed from where it had left off.

Tiny wanted to quit this game. She had to find a way to escape this arena and shake off the mechanical maniac, but the only way off was through another hatch labeled APPROVED high up on the wall, which was too slick to climb. She would have to find a way to use the two mechanical hands that kept sliding around to block her way to climb up to it.

She leaped onto one of the hands. It clenched in response, but she had already clambered onto its arm and was balancing her way across it. The other hand slid around beside its companion and snatched at her, but very nimbly she leaped above it and latched onto its arm.

Mad Jack stomped his box angrily. "Hey, you! Get off of those! Those are not monkey bars!"

"Why don't you make me, metal face?" she taunted, dodging the hands as they tried to catch her, slapping each other's wrist.

"Grr!" Mad Jack leaped up and landed in the palm of the left hand. Quick as a wink, Tiny shimmied her way further up the right arm while the left arm retracted to enable Mad Jack to keep up with her. Halfway up, she suddenly swung herself in the other direction. Mad Jack's hand (the mechanical one that he was riding on) reversed its trajectory to follow her.

Which literally threw Mad Jack off. His momentum pitched him forward onto the arm, which he made a desperate grab for while his box plummeted to the flames below. Longer and longer his springs stretched from his head and hands until at last they all uncoiled completely and his hands were violently ripped off the arm (the mechanical one). His scream vibrated off the metal walls like a hundred violins in agony and then was cut off as his head disappeared in the jets, turning instantly into molten steel, which drained through holes in the floor beneath and dropped into the sea.

Tiny breathed a sigh of relief. _So_ not her type! She swung onto the hand.

It clenched around her in a suffocating grip. Her head swam as she desperately tried to take a breath. She was barely aware of a cacophonous clanging as dozens of mangled Krobots spilled onto the platform from the chute, followed shortly by Donkey, Diddy, and Lanky.

"Tiny!" Diddy yelled. "Where are you?" They all spotted her a moment later, turning blue in the grip of the mechanical hand. As they all raced toward her, Diddy yelled, "Hang on, Tiny! We'll save you!"

The other hand swung down to smash them into banana mush, but quick, little Diddy scooted out of the way and then leaped onto the arm. Lanky whipped a long arm on the mechanical arm as it started to rise and then used his other arm to grab Donkey by the back of his tie. Donkey used the momentum to leap up and grab onto the arm before it got too high and all three of them were on board.

Except Donkey's weight was dragging it down. Its gears squealed in protest as it tried to stay upright. With no other choice, Diddy leaped onto the other arm squeezing Tiny and attempted to pry the fingers apart himself. Lanky whipped his arm to latch onto the other arm and grunted with exertion as he tried to pull the two arms together. Living up to his title as the "King of Swing," Donkey swung himself from one hand to the other then swung himself up to straddle its wrist and with his incredible strength began prying the metal fingers apart.

Diddy yanked Tiny out of its grip and yelled at her, "Come on!" The two of them made a flying leap for the platform, Tiny's pigtails spinning behind her like helicopter blades. Lanky followed a moment later, using his long arm for greater launching distance, and finally, Donkey pushed off the hand for a leap, which broke a gear inside the metal arm, causing the first joint to fall and dangle uselessly. He slammed onto the platform.

Which caused the solder around the base of the pillar holding the platform up to crack. The platform wobbled, spreading the crack further around the base and throwing the Kongs to the platform, who grabbed the edges of the holes to steady themselves. "It's falling!" Diddy cried.

There wasn't much they could do about it, however. It rocked once more with a final crack and suddenly plunged through the floor, taking the platform and the screaming Kong clan with it.


	9. Gloomy Galleon

**Chapter 9: Gloomy Galleon**

Inside the custom-built brig that was chained to Crocodile Isle, King K. Rool waited inside. He stood just outside a giant bar cage that sat directly in the center, gazing up at the prisoner inside it.

The prisoner's name was K. Lumsy. Another aberration of the Kremling family, he had been born with the condition _ridikilus enormus,_ that made him, as the name suggested, ridiculously enormous - standing twice as tall as a palm tree and weighing a staggering 6500 pounds: a girth that could easily crush a hillock flat, create a 1400-ft. tsunami in a splash, and blow a forest down in a single breath. Little wonder then that he was locked up in a cage.

Except this was K. Rool. With a destructive force like this at his beck and call, one would have thought he'd have unleashed him on the defenseless DK Isles before now. The reason he hadn't is that the colossal island smasher, K. Lumsy, simply _wouldn't_. Besides his enormous size, he was also born with the condition _sanguinem cordis,_ which made him acutely sensitive to the feelings of others. Anything cute or cuddly would bring him to his knees and have him giggling uncontrollably. Such behavior would be devastating to the reputation of the Kremlings and so King K. Rool took it upon himself to cure him of his condition. Using the highly successful method of sensory deprivation, King K. Rool would break down K. Lumsy's damaging inclinations toward mercy until his inner Kremling was free... for his own good, of course.

"Have you had time to think about your actions?" he asked.

K. Lumsy sniffled and blubbered, "P-Please let me out of this cage! I'll d-do anything!"

The cruel king narrowed his eyes threateningly. "You know what you have to do."

K. Lumsy dropped his chin into his chest and squeaked, "B-But..."

K. Rool huffed and spun on his heels. "Obviously, you need more time to think..."

"No no no! Wait! Wait!"

K. Rool turned and raised his brow.

K. Lumsy twiddled his fingers. "I'll do it. I'll do what you want."

"Do what?"

The gentle giant answered glumly, "I'll smash the island."

...

"Hang on, Tiny!" Diddy yelled, gripping her hand as tightly as he could. Donkey gripped his other hand while hanging on to a hole in the platform. Lanky gripped another hole behind them.

The pillar supporting the platform had dropped a short distance into the hole at the bottom before the weight of the Kongs tilted it and caused the pillar to catch. It wasn't going to stay stuck for very long though. Already it was sliding inside until it would straighten again and plunge down, bringing the Kongs down to be incinerated by the flames. Spotting the chute through which they had dropped in, Donkey gathered his simian strength and hurled the two little Kongs up to it.

They didn't make it. They slapped onto the side of the chute with a loud metallic "gong!" and then fell back down onto the tipped platform. Their impact was just enough to tilt it up again and send the pillar beneath shooting down into the hole. Within a second, the platform was liquefied by the jets of flame.

By a very unlikely bit of fortuity, the Kongs all managed to survive being incinerated by being thrown into each other in the exact center of the platform, farthest away from the flames - Diddy and Tiny in rolling from the top of the tilted platform, and Donkey and Lanky being tossed up when the platform straightened. There was a moment in which the heat of the flames scalded the hair off their bodies, but another moment later, they were doused in the frigid waters of the sea.

Fog billowed into the chilly air with an angry hiss, adding another layer of gloom to the chamber the Kongs found themselves in. Searchlights winked here and there like weary stars. Somewhere in the mist, a wooden ship creaked ominously in the wake of the splash the pillar had made when it had speared the sea.

"Where are we?" Lanky asked.

They were in what the Kremlings referred to as the Bay. Their king, K. Rool, was something of a pack rat, hoarding much of his memorabilia, including his old ship, the Gangplank Galleon, which was bobbing just ahead of them.

"Hey, I remember that ship!" said Diddy, smiling.

Tiny exclaimed shrilly. "Brr! This water is _freezing_! Let's get out of here, guys."

No one argued with her. They all swam for the abandoned ship and climbed aboard where they shook the water from their singed fur.

Without warning, they heard a shrill scream, "GHOSTS!" They were instantly on the defensive, looking wildly around for the antagonistic phantoms. Two splashes drew their attention to the other side of the ship. Rushing over, they discovered two Kremlings in the water paddling away as fast as they could.

They didn't make it. Something burst out of the water in front of them, freezing the Kremlings in their tracks. It was a giant Puftup with spines as long as Lanky's arms and a single tooth protruding from its lower lip. It glared at the two reptiles then gave a gurgling howl and belly-flopped on top of them, disappearing beneath the water. The Kremlings never resurfaced.

Lanky's voice came out shakily, "Let's get out of here, guys. We need to find Cranky and that weasel so we can shut down K. Rool's machine."

Tiny was still watching the spot where the Kremlings had been flopped so she was the one who spotted something speeding through the water like a seal, except it wasn't a seal.

"I think I just saw Chunky!" she cried, pointing into the shimmering depths. "Chunky's in the water!"

This brought all the Kongs crowding together and jostling each other, crying out, "Where is he? Where?" Tiny tried to tell them he wasn't there anymore and that they didn't have time for this, but her petite protests were overwhelmed by the clamor of her fellow Kongs. Finally, Donkey clapped his massive hands together, bringing the crew to silence. He turned to Tiny and asked, "Where see Lanky?"

"In the water, speeding like a seal," she answered.

Diddy said, "Wait, speeding like a seal? Chunky?"

"Chunky's a lot of things," Lanky pitched in. "But speedy is not one of them."

"I tell you, I saw him!" Tiny protested. "And he looked terrified like maybe that giant fish was chasing him!"

This sobered the crew significantly. They had seen what that giant Puftup had done to the Kremlings and if Chunky really was down there...

"Let's go get him," said Lanky.

The plan was to spread out from the four sides of the Gangplank Galleon to see if they could locate their timid friend. And if anyone was spotted by the freakishly huge fish, they would swim back immediately to the safety of K. Rool's old galleon. On the count of three, they dove off their sides and plunged into the water.

Gloomy and foggy as the surface had been, it was worse under the water: dark and murky like algae soup with an extra serving of algae. How Tiny was able to spot Chunky in here was anyone's guess and only reinforced for Lanky the suspicion that her overactive imagination had run away with her. Even more concerning was that Puftup swimming around in this muck, just waiting for them to stumble onto him. Lanky shuddered.

Cautiously, he used his long arms to sweep the algae away and paddled his legs to slowly push forward. The water was also numbing cold, his sensitive fingers on all four limbs being the first to go. His nostrils were well on their way to being the next casualty while his eyes threatened to become ice cubes - or ice _balls_ , as the case was. The only thing he could feel - and feel sharply - was the frantic thumping of his heart as it tried to keep his body warm with rushing blood.

Then he saw a huge shadow pass in front of him and his heart beat ever more frantically, like a prisoner who had just seen the Grim Reaper coming for him. He backpedaled away from what he had no doubt was the giant Puftup, but froze when he saw another shape zoom past him, leaving a large trail of bubbles behind.

Chunky! He had somehow been tethered to the marine monster, for at that moment, Lanky realized that the dark line that had been snaking behind the behemoth was a rope and it was attached to Chunky, towing him along like a very unwilling pet. He had to find a way to catch him, untie him, and escape with him, all without being spotted by the puffed-up Puftup.

Or...

Maybe instead of trying to sneak away with Chunky, he should find a way to trap the Puftup instead, so he could simply free Chunky afterward. No doubt K. Rool had some fishing equipment on his old brig. It was certainly a better idea than to sneak up behind the monster. He swam back to the ship.

Several minutes later, he was in a motorboat outfitted with a spotlight and a harpoon. The boat was rather tiny; the weight of the harpoon made it list to the right, which Lanky did his best to compensate. It turned out to be a fast little craft though, much to his relief, zooming across the dark water with a gurgle. He would have no problem outrunning the bloated beast if it came to that - and he had no doubt that it _would_ come to that. Still, leave no Kong behind.

He scanned through the mist for any sign of the giant Puftup. Damp mist clumped to his fur as he zoomed through it, chilling him to his bones and making him shiver. 'Twas an ominous night to be sailing these cursed waters. A dark dread settled deep in his marrow, the voices of dead sailors hissing words of warning in his good ear. They had all come chasing the devil-spawned Puftoss - as the dread beast came to be known - and all had found instead a watery grave, and there wasn't a sailor's doubt that he would become the beast's next victim. Still, the infamous Captain Lanky...

He was broken out of his thoughts by a great bubbling noise off to port. He swiveled the spotlight in that direction to light up the water over there, which was behaving unusually. It was swelling like the beginnings of a giant bubble and then it transformed into a giant orange bubble with lethal spines, giant fishy eyes, and a toothy leer.

Lanky screeched, almost tumbling off the boat. Puftoss! Forgetting all about what the salty sea simian would do against this monstrous foe, he grabbed the wheel and gunned the motor for all it was worth. Puftoss gave a gurgling howl and gave chase.

There wasn't much room to run. The Bay was really only the hold for K. Rool's treasured ship and certainly wasn't built to allow pleasure cruises. After circling the ship a few times, it occurred to Lanky that he could probably catch the giant Puftup from behind by going around the ship fast enough. It was really quite impressive the speed at which Puftoss was chasing him. His round body bristling with spines was as about as far from hydrodynamic as possible. But now that the long-limbed ape had a plan, he was more confident that he could face him down and rescue Chunky.

He wasn't as prepared as he thought. As he came around the ship, he found himself zooming straight for the giant, orange monster, who had turned around and was swimming straight at him! He screeched in surprise but was going too fast to stop or even steer around him. He braced himself for impact.

Neither Lanky nor Puftoss had given much thought to the harpoon protruding from the motorboat's starboard prow. It was Puftoss's fatal mistake. With a great "POOMPH!" the sharp implement punctured the left side of his body, and then with a rude, wet sound that echoed offensively off the metal walls, the giant Puftup zoomed backward through the water, propelled by the air whistling between the barbs of the harpoon in his side. Lanky held on tightly to the steering wheel as his vessel was towed along, for the harpoon had not actually been fired from its cradle and was still attached.

At last, after what seemed like many hours, Puftoss ran out of air and settled atop the water like a very lumpy lilypad. It was some time before Lanky could get his fingers off the steering wheel - his long limbs were shaking so hard that the signal from his brain kept disconnecting, but eventually, he staggered to the side of the boat, which rocked it too hard and sent him tumbling into the water. The brisk coldness of the water snapped him out of it and he remembered what he had been going through this ordeal for. Diving beneath the water, it didn't take him long to trace the cable from the Kremling stuck to the spine of Puftoss to the collar around Chunky's neck.

Poor Chunky was out cold by the time Lanky reached him. The big guy's face was pinched with terror, locked in place after his brain shut down to keep his fight-or-flight system from overloading. After a few unsuccessful attempts to undo the collar, Lanky slowly wrapped a long arm around his buddy and began paddling for the surface. Donkey would be strong enough to rip off the collar, no problem. And once that was done, the whole gang would be together again.

And that's when they would take down K. Rool's Blast-O-Matic.


End file.
